The Terrifying and Exciting State of Being Vulnerable

by Ryan Ricks

Someone very close to me always says that

The most terrifying ordeal is to be

Known

I have to agree.

I don’t mean someone knowing my name

Or how I look.

I mean the person I really am being seen in the eyes of another.

Someone other than myself.

It means that my thoughts, my feelings, the things I keep in my heart

Are known by someone who is not myself.

I no longer have full control over where these things go.

Frightening.

I typically avoid letting anyone know

How I really feel.

Because that always led to getting hurt.

Even though I know no one means me harm.

Example.

I talk my head off to a friend about something I’m passionate about.

Their disinterest is evident.

Their time seemingly wasted

By me.

I don’t do that again.

Another example.

Whenever I talk about my struggles with my mental health,

I feel guilty.

Because aren’t I just burdening those I care about

With these feelings?

I don’t like feeling guilty.

So I don’t speak up again.

I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have two polarizing thoughts on a topic.

As terrifying as it is to be vulnerable, to be open,

There’s something a little thrilling about it.

Call me an adrenaline junkie,

But I like the way my heart pounds when I wait for someone to text me back when I say something beyond paltry small talk.

When I send paragraphs about something I actually care about.

When I’m feeling something other than

Fine.

Something other than

Okay.

My heart threatens to leap out of my chest every time I feel like I overshare.

But it’s also where I keep my feelings and secrets

So every time it beats, another feeling or secret falls out.

A vicious cycle.

Vulnerability is terrifying because it means that someone sees the real me

Not the one covered in layers upon layers of lies, walls, disguises

It means I can be hurt far easier

Without that protection

But it also means I can feel far more

Without being muffled by the lies, walls, disguises

They are loud, proud, passionate

Keeping them wrapped up all the time is killing me,

I think.

Another thing I kind of like about vulnerability

Is the innate intimacy of it.

Between me and the few people I choose to open up to

Is a strong bond that

I choose to believe is unbreakable.

Perhaps I am setting myself up for heartbreak

But I like to be close to people

I crave it.

Even if my heart does get broken in the end

It will mend

Because I like to think that exchanging protection for connection is

Worth it.